Archive for the ‘poetry’ category

Funny and Mean Poetry Book About Celebrities: Psychoanalytic Celebrity Poems

March 2, 2014

On the night of Oscars 2014, poet/author/ex-porn store manager Christoph Paul released a free eBook version of  Psychoanalytic Celebrity Poems. Most of these hilarious poems are celebrities speaking to a psychoanalyst. For those who hate pompous-assed celebrities, this book fits your needs.Psychoanalytic Celebrity Poems

Check out the opening Lady Gaga verse.

“I’m Madonna before she became a British Jew.”

Then, the Oprah poem touches on a subject many people believe as truth, including me.

“You must find ways to make white housewives buy this book.”

Last are the verses that first caught my attention. These exist in the Paula Deen poem.

“Well, color my grits;
the colored our free.
But they still don’t
know their place.

It’s a shame cause
niggers really love
my mac and cheese.”

If mean-spirited and funny are your thing, make sure you search Psychoanalytic Celebrity Poems on Amazon.  I would link to it. Yet, WordPress.com would accuse me of spamming.

Blaming Bobby Brown

April 2, 2013

“Bobby ruined Whitney.”

 

These damned homosexuals won’t let up.

Keep on insisting Bobby Brown

caused Whitney Houston’s downfall.

Repeating the same damned thing

over and over again.

 

“Bobby ruined Whitney.”

 

Shame on me for trying to argue.

Shame on me for defending Bobby.

Shame on me for asking how can one man

cause so much damage to a grown-assed woman.

These damned homosexuals’ minds already made up.

 

“Uh-uh, he ruined her, honey.”

 

How do these homosexuals know?

Where they there?

Did they witness the whole thing

in the human flesh?

 

Makes me want to stop playing

Whitney’s music during DJ gigs.

Play Whitney’s music

and they start that shit again.

 

“Bobby ruined Whitney.”

 

These damned homosexuals just won’t let up.

Beyonce Ain’t Shit

March 29, 2013

Hadn’t witnessed so much hatred against a black woman

since Mike Tyson and Robin Givens.

 

“Beyonce ain’t shit!”

 

What the hell did Beyonce do?

What earned her so much scorn?

Was she supposed to have five kids from five different men?

Was she supposed to be another criminal black face on the evening news?

Would that have made some folks happy?

 

“Beyonce ain’t shit!”

 

White folks pouring it on also.

Guess Beyonce was supposed to marry a white Hollywood actor

instead of a rich black rapper.

Guess she was supposed to star in movies

starring white male actors as her romantic lead.

Following the footsteps of Halle Berry and Jennifer Lopez.

 

“Beyonce ain’t shit!”

 

Get a life.

Some of you jealous folks

ain’t shit either.

Rich Nigger Dreaming

September 3, 2012

I want to be a rich nigger.

Not a broke nigger.

A rich nigger.

Folks call you nigger anyway.

Might as well be a rich one.

 

Tired of being broke.

It ain’t romantic.

It ain’t cute.

It’s shitty.

 

Tired of not having enough money

for a decent car.

Tired of worrying about

what bills I can pay

and cannot pay yet.

Can’t even buy

a second hand controller

for my DJ gigs.

 

Don’t want to live middle-class either.

One bad health ailment

and medical bills

turns middle-class into broke.

 

Not wishing this for the women, either.

Why break my ass for a gold digger

who’ll leave you as soon as

the money is gone?

Only thing she’s good for

is spending up my money

and pussy.

And the pussy

might not even be good pussy.

 

Want to be a rich nigger

because this nigger loves money.

Especially the kind my talents earned me.

Call me nigger all you want.

As you drive your shitty car back to your small hut,

I’ll be driving my nice car back to my beach house.

Puerto Rican Hooptie

August 12, 2012

This ain’t mine. My car looks far more shittier.

Love my Puerto Rican Hooptie.

A  red 1990 Honda Civic.

Puerto Rican because Puerto Ricans

the onely ones I see driving Hondas.

Always the ones asking do I want to sell it too.

Hooptie because old car always making unusual noises

and the car’s paint peels.

 

Takes me almost every where I want to go.

Gets me from one DJ gig to the other.

Best thing of all?

It’s paid for.

No annoying monthly payments.

 

A hooptie.

Yet, I appreciate it.

Thick Body Curves

August 8, 2012

Finally hooked up with my favorite soul singer.

Dreamed about her thick body curves for years.

Finally my arms are wrapped around her

…and it feels good.

 

Realizing she really isn’t all that pretty

without  make-up.

I don’t give a shit.

Just happy she broke-up

with her ugly-assed husband.

 

The alarm clock rings.

Another one of those fuckin’ dreams.

Last time, it was a curvy movie star.

Ain’t this a bitch?

Garden Shop Onion

April 23, 2012

Shopping in store’s garden area.
Spotted a nice juicy onion.


Not the vegetable.
Talking about a female’s wonderful posterior.
The kind that inspires black-on-black violence.
So round and juicy.
Fingers itching for a pinch,
a squeeze,
a hand full of ass.

Read somewhere the more ass,
the more intelligent a woman may be.
Brains and booty.
I can dig that.

Almost forgot I came to buy a gardenia shrub.


Went home thinking about that onion.
Went to bed thinking about that onion.
Next day, told everybody on Facebook
about that onion.

Might write a blog about it.
Might write a poem about it.
Going to fantasize for days about it.

Onions one of main reasons I DJ.
Wanna see them shake and wiggle to my nasty song selections.

Going back next week for another gardenia.
Wonder how the onions would look.